Pending Dissatisfaction (sulla_collina) wrote,
Pending Dissatisfaction
sulla_collina

HI, I'M MACBETH, USURPER AND KING OF SCOTLAND. THE OTHER DAY I WAS INSPECTING A LOCAL BROTHEL UPON THE HEATH WHEN MY MASSIVE MEATPOLE BRUSHED UP AGAINST NONE OTHER THAN GERTRUDE, QUEEN OF DENMARK. ORIGINALLY, I WAS INTENDING TO IGNORE THIS AGING HARLOT IN FAVOR OF THE YOUNG LASSES TRYING TO FIT THEIR MOUTHS AROUND MY RUGGED RUSSIAN BEAR BUT AT THAT MOMENT SPURTS OF BLOOD GUSHED FORTH FROM MY HAGGARD SCOTTISH HAGGIS AND DROWNED ALL OF GLAMIS. MY JOVIAL JUTTY WOULD NOT SUBSIDE UNTIL BURNAM WOOD CAME TO DUNSINANE AND SO I DROVE MY CLAMOROUS HARBINGER OF BLOOD AND DEATH INTO THE MAW OF THAT KITE AND AFTER SEVERAL SECONDS SHE CRIED OUT WITH MUCH SOUND AND FURY, SIGNIFYING SOMETHING. THE LADY DOTH NOT PROTEST TOO MUCH, I GUARANTEE IT.

Editor's Note:
This original manuscript for Shakespeare's Macbeth was recently restored from a semen-coated parchment discovered in what was during Elizabethan times a shop operated by a merchant of affordable, fashionable men's clothing. This lends credence to the theory that Shakespeare's works were not written by Shakespeare himself but by noted libelist and Member of Parliament Henry Ludlow. Lodulow expressed better than any of his peers the discontent of the English people with the Stuart kings and their affinity for sodomy with livestock. Ultimately, he decided to add an ironic twist to the tale by rewritting it as a play, mocking James' faggotry with the uncontestably homosexual meter that is iambic pentameter.

(I really need to start doing actual work in English.)
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